Positive parenting vs. Strict parenting
Which parenting style works best for children — and how to change yours
Every parent hopes to raise their children to be happy, confident, and successful.
But parenting doesn’t come with instructions. So many of us fall back on how we were parented, even when we’re not sure it’s what our children need today.
The good news? We don’t have to guess anymore. Research now gives us powerful insights into what truly helps children thrive.
And the evidence is clear: Children grow best when they feel safe and understood, not scared into obedience.
In this guide, our UNICEF experts from across Asia and the Pacific explain what the science shows and how families can use it every day.
What is positive parenting?
Positive parenting starts with the idea that children learn best when they feel loved, safe, and understood.
It focuses on guiding children with care, not fear or punishment.
This includes setting clear rules, explaining why they matter, and talking about how actions have consequences. These clear, calm limits help children feel safe and build confidence.
Positive parenting means you:
- Show affection, spend time together, and accept your child as they are.
- Listen, take their feelings seriously, and help them express emotions safely.
- Set clear limits and discipline calmly, without shouting, hurting, or scaring.
- Treat all children equally, with the same care and expectations.
- Show patience, respect, and the behaviour you want your child to copy.
Positive parenting also involves shared parenting — where mothers, fathers and other caregivers share the responsibility for raising and teaching children. This helps children learn equality by seeing it practiced in their everyday lives.
Sometimes this approach is also called “gentle parenting.”
What is strict parenting?
“Strict parenting” is when parents set very high expectations, have firm rules, and may use strong discipline.
Children are expected to follow rules without arguing, behave perfectly, and always show respect. They have little chance to share their feelings, ask questions, make their own choices, or explore their interests.
Parents may believe that being tough helps children succeed and stops them from making mistakes. In some families, this can include yelling or physical punishment, like hitting, often because parents were raised the same way.
Strict parenting usually comes from love and a desire to protect and guide, but it can make children feel anxious, scared, or less confident.
It can also reinforce harmful gender roles. For example, expecting boys to “be tough” and hide their emotions, or expecting girls to be quiet, obedient, and helpful. These ideas limit children’s development and self-expression.
These emotional impacts can last into adulthood, affecting how children see themselves, relate to others, and handle challenges.
What are some examples of strict parenting and positive parenting?
Parenting looks different in every family, but how we respond to everyday moments can strongly shape how children learn and feel.
Here are some examples of how strict and positive parenting might appear in real-life situations.
A child brings home a 90% on a test
Strict parenting:
The parent says, “Why not 100%?”
This ignores the child’s effort and can make them feel their best isn’t good enough, even when they’ve tried hard.
Positive parenting:
The parent says, “Great job! You worked really hard. Do you want to look at the questions you missed together so we can learn for next time?”
This focuses on a child’s effort, encourages learning, and builds confidence.
A child spills a drink
Strict parenting:
The parent yells, “You’re always so careless. You can’t have another drink until we get home,” even though the child is thirsty.
This shames the child for a simple mistake and uses punishment instead of teaching.
Positive parenting:
The parent says, “It’s okay, accidents happen. Let’s clean it up together. Next time, let’s try moving a little slower.”
This teaches responsibility without shaming or blaming.
A child politely questions an adult
Strict parenting:
The parent responds, “Don’t question adults. That’s disrespectful.”
This discourages curiosity and open communication. Over time, this can make children less confident speaking up, even when it’s important.
Positive parenting:
The parent says, “I’m glad you’re asking questions. It’s okay to speak up respectfully. We all learn from each other.”
The parent also uses the opportunity to teach safety by saying: “If you ever feel scared or unsafe, it’s okay to speak up, even if you’re not being polite. Saying things like ‘Stop!’ or ‘Leave me alone!’ is important to keep you safe.”
This supports respectful communication and helps children understand when safety matters more than politeness.
A child talks back to a parent
Strict parenting:
The parent responds by telling a humiliating story about the child in front of their friends.
This can embarrass the child, hurt their self-esteem, and damage trust.
Positive parenting:
The parent says, “I hear you’re upset, and it’s okay to have big feelings. But let’s find a respectful way to say what you mean.”
This models emotional regulation and respectful problem-solving.
A teenager wants to choose their own hobbies or career
Strict parenting:
The parent doesn’t let them and insists, “This won’t give you a good career.”
This can leave the teen feeling misunderstood, powerless, and less motivated.
Positive parenting:
The parent helps the teenager discover new interests by saying: “I want you to have a future you enjoy. Let’s explore your interests together and talk about what you’re passionate about.”
T️his balances guidance and respect for the teen’s growing independence.
A parent wants to help a child with their routine
Strict parenting:
The child must follow a rigid schedule — like homework immediately after school, no TV, and daily piano practice — with no flexibility or chance for the child to make suggestions.
This can make the child feel unheard and lead to stress, burnout and less independence and motivation.
Positive parenting:
The parent helps a child plan a balanced and flexible schedule by saying: “Let’s create a routine that helps you stay on track but also gives you time to rest and do things you enjoy. What do you think would work?”
This provides structure and supports the child’s ideas and wellbeing.
A child chooses clothes that don’t match gender norms
A teenage girl wants to wear loose shorts and a superhero T-shirt to a family gathering. A boy wants to wear a pink hoodie and sparkly shoes for school.
Strict parenting:
The parent tells the girl, “You can’t wear that. It’s not ladylike. Put on a dress so you look nice.” The boy is told, “No way. That’s for girls. Pick something more ‘normal.’”
This shames the child, limits self-expression, and sends the message that being different is wrong.
Positive parenting:
The parent tells the girl, “That outfit shows off your personality. I love how confident you look.” To the boy, the parent says, “You’ve got a great sense of style. I love that you know what you like.”
This helps children feel supported and safe while also challenging harmful gender stereotypes.
Which parenting style works best?
We now have decades of research from psychology and neuroscience showing which parenting style helps children grow, stay healthy and succeed in life.
The answer is clear: positive parenting works best.
What are the pros and cons of strict parenting?
Strict parenting can create quick obedience, but it often comes with serious downsides. Children who grow up with strict rules, yelling, shame, or physical punishment are more likely to feel anxious, have low self-esteem, or act aggressively.
Repeated exposure to this kind of stress — what experts call “toxic stress”— has been linked to long-term risks, including depression, substance use, and even heart disease.
What’s more, violence in the family may make other forms of violence more likely to happen to a child, whether from peers, partners, or strangers. It may also make them less likely to report abuse or speak up, even when something serious happens, because they’ve learned not to expect protection or to fear being blamed.
What does research say about positive parenting?
Research shows that positive parenting helps children grow into confident, healthy, and successful adults. Children raised with warmth, clear rules, and open communication tend to have higher self-esteem, do better in school, and have better mental and physical health.
We’re not saying that children don’t need structure. They do! But when rules are balanced with kindness and open communication, they learn to be responsible while also feeling safe and supported.
Studies show that teenagers raised with positive parenting are:
- Less likely to engage in risky sexual behaviour, start smoking or using drugs.
- Less likely to suffer from depression or attempt suicide.
- Less likely to get in trouble with the law.
- More likely to eat well, stay active, and succeed in school.
- More likely to have higher self-esteem.
In fact, another study from New Zealand found that what truly shapes a child’s future health, success and happiness isn’t IQ, behaviour, or how much money their family has — it’s their self-control.
This landmark study has followed over 1,000 children over 50 years and found the strongest predictor of a child’s future success was their emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence is a child’s ability to understand their thoughts and feelings and manage them in a healthy way. It helps them cope with stress, talk about their emotions, and get along with others.
It is one of the most important life skills a child can learn.
And the good news? It’s a skill that can be taught with positive parenting.
What are some tips to start positive parenting?
Positive parenting starts with building a loving, respectful connection with your child.
Here are some easy ways to begin:
- Show affection often. Let your child feel loved through your words, hugs, and time together.
- Spend one-on-one time together. Start with 20 minutes a day of focused time playing, talking, or having fun while doing chores together (like singing a silly song). Turn your TV and phone off and focus just on your child.
- Praise the good. Notice and praise your child’s positive actions, even small ones. Children thrive on praise. It helps them feel loved and motivates good behaviour.
- Set clear expectations. Instead of saying “Be good,” try saying, “Please put your toys in the box.” Make rules simple and realistic for their age and what they are capable of.
- Challenge gender stereotypes. Encourage all children to try different toys, activities, and roles. Support boys in being caring and girls in being confident leaders.
- Model the behaviour you want. Children copy what they see. When you stay calm and kind, they learn to do the same.
- Redirect gently. If your child is acting out, distract them with a different activity before things get worse.
- Use non-violent consequences. Explain what will happen if a rule is broken and follow through calmly. Praise them when they make a good choice.
- Give them a chance to do the right thing. Before acting on a consequence, clearly explain what needs to change. For example, “Please stop drawing on the wall or playtime will end.” This gives them a moment to correct their behaviour
- Support emotional expression. Let children know all feelings are okay. Encourage boys to show their emotions and girls to speak up. Avoid phrases like “boys don’t cry” or “act like a lady.”
- Involve them in making rules. Let your child help create simple family rules and consequences. This builds responsibility and respect.
- Meet them at their level, physically and emotionally. For young children, get down to their eye level when you talk, it helps them feel seen and heard. For older children and teens, offer more responsibility so they can build confidence and skills.
Remember: You don’t have to be perfect. Every small step you take makes a big difference 😊
