How to talk to your children about conflict

Children hear about military conflicts from their families or peers. Such news may be overwhelming even for adults. The more so for children. Lacking support, their interpretation of the news may be blown out of proportion.

We can see if children are worried and scared by the news about armed conflicts from their behaviour and communication. They may acknowledge that they’ve heard about the conflict in question but be unwilling to talk about it. In behavioural terms, children may ask for more affection and hugs, or may want to sleep with their parents. In serious cases, children may have sleeping problems, nightmares, fear of being home alone, enuresis.

Parents are the first line of support and understanding of the world for children. Hence, it is paramount that they should be prepared to respond to children’s questions and concerns or to start the conversation about armed conflicts. If a child is not interested in the topic, we shouldn’t delve into it or provide unnecessary information.

The psychologist Mihai Copăceanu recommends open discussions even with 5-year-olds. 

“Children need their parents to convey trust, confidence, optimism and encouragement, which are expressed, on the one hand, by providing clear, truthful and child-appropriate information, and, on the other hand, through the parents’ attitude. Children pay attention to the attitudes and behaviours of the adults. Parent’s concerns and anxieties bear on the children’s emotional state.” 

Some recommendation:

1. Always tell the truth, in words they understand. For young pre-schoolers, the dialogue should comprise simple words and sentences “Yes, it’s true that there is a conflict, but in another country. We are safe”.
2. Answer children’s questions with confidence and respect. Children show concerns, but there may be fears behind their questions. By answering you’ll be mitigating the fears.
3. Reassure the children that a military conflict in neighbouring countries will not impact their country. Show them the map of Europe and, in simple words, explain Ukraine’s geographic position and the fact that Romania is protected by NATO.
4. Encourage children to express their feelings and help them acknowledge the emotions they are experiencing, be those fear, anger, sadness, doubt or uncertainty.
5. Ask indirect questions to find out what the child knows and feels: What do you think about this conflict? What did you hear at kindergarten/school? What did you read about this conflict? What do your friends say? What do you feel when you think about this? Find thus out if the child has misconceptions or false information about the war, which may deepen his/her anxiety or dread.
6. Monitor children’s information sources. Children may be scared by pictures with emotionally sensitive contents, which are mainly circulated in social media. A video showing images from an armed conflict may be traumatising for a child. Therefore, children under 13 years of age are banned from accessing social networks such as TikTok.
7. Reduce the information inflow and toxicity in the home (television, radio). Watching daily news about such conflicts only deepens children’s dread and anxiety. Children need protection, including at information level. Replace TV watching with other, educational activities.
8. Small children may manifest their fears in night dreams. Ask the children what the dream was about and help them express the dreamt images in a soothing manner.
9. With teenagers, first find out what information they get on social platforms. Not all news is true. Ask them directly about the war. Teenagers are attracted to such topics, hence may quickly develop personal theories about military conflicts and be influenced by what they read online.
10. Discuss with teenagers in an assertive, understanding, empathetic, non-judgemental, and non-critical manner, show respect for their beliefs, even though teenagers are, at least in a first stage, certain that the information they hold is true and not so willing to accept other ideas.