Anger and anger management – for parents

Anger is a normal human emotion, and it is normal to feel angry when you are a parent. All parents get angry at some point.

Anger can also be a good thing. Sometimes anger can give you the energy to do something or stand up for what you believe in. When you feel angry and manage your anger in a positive and healthy way, it can give you the opportunity to set a good example for your children. For example, when you take a few deep breaths or walk away instead of losing your temper, you show your children how to deal with a similar situation.

But anger can also have negative aspects, especially if it occurs frequently or gets out of control. Losing control when you are angry can make problems worse and lead to conflict with others. When you are unable to calm down, you may say or do something that cannot be taken back.

It is frightening for children to be in an environment where there is frequent conflict and shouting.

If you find it difficult to control yourself when you are angry, it may be helpful to talk to a health professional or psychologist.

Why parents sometimes get angry

As a parent, you probably juggle many different responsibilities, including work, family time, household chores, children's activities, and social activities. When you are busy and tired, it is easy to lose patience and get angry if your children don't listen or things don't go according to plan.

Sometimes you may get angry or frustrated with your partner, if you have one, when you disagree about parenting, discipline, and who should do what household chores. These disagreements can even lead to conflict, especially if you don't feel respected and supported.

Sometimes your child's anger or disappointment can make you angry. For example, if your child is angry and speaks rudely to you or does not do what you ask, you may feel that you are starting to get angry too. You may find that you respond in a moment of anger, only to regret it later.

There are other factors that make you more prone to feeling frustrated, such as illness, stress at work, financial difficulties, lack of sleep, and not enough time for yourself. At times, you may feel like you have your back against the wall.

For some people, parenting can unlock unresolved anger issues or other difficult emotions from their own childhood. If you experienced trauma, abuse, or neglect as a child, then you are more likely to overreact in some situations or have trouble controlling yourself when you are angry.

Recognizing the signs of anger

It may seem like you're suddenly "losing your mind" without warning, but your body is actually giving you early signs of anger. When you are able to recognize these signs, you can take action to prevent anger from spiraling out of control.

Early signs of anger include:

• faster heartbeat;
• upset stomach;
• agitation – a feeling of tension or irritability;
• rapid breathing;
• tense shoulders;
• clenched jaw and fists;
• sweating.

Negative Thoughts

You often have negative thoughts when you’re angry, but they can actually intensify your anger.

For example, you might have had a tough day at work and feel stressed. When you pick up your children from school, they start arguing, which adds to your stress. Once you get home, they might refuse to put away their bags and take out unnecessary items (like lunchboxes). This not only stresses you out, but also makes you angry.

Here are some negative thoughts you might have in a situation like this:

• “No one ever helps me – I have to do everything by myself.”
• “You kids are so naughty.”
• “If you behaved better, I wouldn’t be this angry.”
• “Why are you trying to upset me?”

If you notice thoughts like these, it's a sign that you should pause and do something to calm yourself down before you lose your temper and get angry.

Here are some simple ideas for anger management

Step 1: Recognize When You’re Getting Angry

The first step to managing anger is noticing the early signs. It’s really important to know and admit that you’re feeling angry—even if it’s just to yourself. For example: “This is making me angry” or “I can feel myself getting angry.”

Step 2: Try to Calm Down

Once you notice early signs of anger, there are several things you can do to start calming yourself. For example:

• Take a deep breath in and slowly breathe out. Try to slow your breathing.
• Do something that soothes you, like listening to music, flipping through a magazine, or simply looking out the window.
• Go outside for a walk or a short run.
• Take a warm shower.
• Find a quiet space for a few minutes.

Signs that you’re calming down include your heart rate slowing and your muscles relaxing.

Step 3: Reflect on the Situation

Once you feel calmer, it’s a good idea to go back and think about what just happened. This can help you learn from the experience and handle similar situations better in the future. Ask yourself:

• “How important is this, really? Why did it upset me so much?”
• “How do I want to handle this situation?”
• “Do I need to do something about it, or can I just let it go?”

It’s also a great idea to tell your children or partner how you’re feeling and what you’re doing about it. This shows them a healthy way to manage anger, too.
For example: “I’m feeling angry. I need to step outside for a few minutes to calm down before we talk about it.”

Set a good example for your kids

When you apologize for being angry, it can send the message that anger is something bad. But anger itself isn’t the problem — shouting is.

So, it’s better to apologize for yelling or for losing your temper. This shows your children that it’s normal to feel angry sometimes. What matters is finding healthy ways to deal with that anger.

What to Do When You Don’t Handle Anger Well

There will always be times when you lose control, raise your voice, or say something you regret. That’s normal.

When this happens, take a moment to reflect on what you want to say to your children or your partner. Here are some ideas:

• “I’m sorry I yelled. I was feeling overwhelmed, but it’s not okay to shout.”
• “I was really angry, and I didn’t handle it the right way. I’m going to try to do better next time.”
• “It’s okay to be angry, but I should have taken a break before I spoke.”

• “I love you, even when I’m upset.”

   

These moments are opportunities to teach your children that everyone makes mistakes — and that taking responsibility and trying again is part of being human.

Source: Raising Children Australia: https://raisingchildren.net.au/guides/first-1000-days/looking-after-yourself/anger-management-for-parents