How to talk to your child about cyberbullying

What are the most common types of cyberbullying? 

Dr. Hinduja: Cyberbullying can take many different forms, including:

• Being excluded from a group chat
• Receiving messages after telling the sender to stop
• Being threatened via texts or messages
• Someone posting mean comments or names online, including ones about physical appearance, race, colour, sexual orientation, religion or disabilities
• Having rumours spread online
• Being stalked online

• Having personal information shared without permission

   

How is cyberbullying different from face-to-face bullying?

Dr. Hinduja: Cyberbullying by nature is online and therefore has the potential to reach a wider number of people, and increase the extent of the harm.

The public and permanent nature of online content may add to the psychological impact – when humiliating content is shared on social media or other platforms, it can be viewed by hundreds or thousands of peers, which of course increases feelings of shame and helplessness. Plus, the faceless nature of cyberbullying can create overwhelming feelings of distrust and vulnerability. The targeted child may not know who the aggressors are, which creates a sense that anyone could be involved, leading to increased social anxiety and isolation from peers.

Research shows that adolescents who are the target of cyberbullying report increased feelings of depression, anxiety, loneliness, suicidal behaviour and other related physical symptoms such as pain, fatigue, or shortness of breath.

And because some adults have been slow to respond to cyberbullying, it may feel that there are little to no consequences for the actions.

What are some of the warning signs that my child is being bullied online?

Dr. Hinduja: Children being bullied online may become more withdrawn or become emotionally distressed after using their devices. You may also notice changes in their sleep or eating patterns and a loss of interest in their favourite activities.

In some cases, the child may express hopelessness or make concerning statements about their well-being, seek more time with caregivers as compared to their friends or frequently ask to leave school or miss school due to illness. Overall, a noticeable shift in mood, behaviour, or openness about their digital life may indicate they are experiencing cyberbullying.

> Read: How to recognize signs of distress in children

How can I talk to my child about cyberbullying?

Dr. Hinduja: Create an environment where your child always feels safe and comfortable talking to you about anything concerning that they see or experience online. Encourage open dialogue and point out everyday interactions and experiences that reflect positive, healthy digital interactions and those that reflect negative, harmful ones. Ask them what they see among their friends and at school before directly asking them what is happening in their own lives. Try to have these conversations on a regular basis.

Young children

• Keep conversations simple and age-appropriate. Explain cyberbullying as “when someone is being mean or hurtful online.”
• Talk about what it means to respect someone in all possible ways.
• Focus on basic safety rules like not sharing personal information and telling a trusted adult when something online makes them feel bad or when they see something between friends online that concerns them.
• Tell them it’s never their fault if they experience something bad online.

> Read: 10 ways to create healthy digital habits at home

10-13 years

This is when cyberbullying often peaks as children start using social media more independently.

• Have regular check-ins about their online experiences – and do so in a nonjudgmental tone.
• Teach them how to block, report and screenshot harmful content.
• Help them understand that their digital reputation matters and that what they post (even in private or disappearing conversations) can have real-world consequences.
• Work together to establish clear rules and consequences for technology use.
• Remind them that using technology brings with it certain responsibilities.

14-18 years

• Help them practice social and relational skills to handle situations independently while maintaining open communication.
• Discuss the legal implications of cyberbullying where you live, and what school-based, civil and criminal penalties might follow.
• Encourage them to stand up for their peers and to recognize when situations require adult intervention.

• Respect their need for some privacy while still staying involved in their digital lives in a nonjudgmental manner.

   

What should I do if I think my child is being cyberbullied?

Dr. Hinduja: First and foremost, make sure your child feels, and is, safe. It is so important at this moment that you demonstrate unconditional support, because otherwise they may never open up to you again in the future. In this tense moment, talk with and listen to your child.

Take the time to learn exactly what happened and the context in which it happened. If it is cyberbullying, secure screenshots and screen recordings of the offending content. Keep notes on relevant details like location, frequency, severity of harm, third-party involvement or witnesses, and the backstory. If the cyberbullying is occurring between your child and a schoolmate, this information will help you then work with the school (and the social media company if the aggression was online).

Check with your child’s school if it has a bullying policy and, if so, whether it covers cyberbullying. Your child has the right to feel safe in their learning environment, and schools are responsible to ensure this through their investigation and response. 

It’s important to keep an open, honest line of communication with your child, so that they are ready and willing to come to you whenever they experience something unpleasant or distressing online. Targets of cyberbullying (and the bystanders who observe it) must know for sure that the adults who they tell will intervene rationally and logically and not make the situation worse.

> Read: How to support your child through a negative online experience

How can parents talk to their child in a way that builds trust instead of making them feel judged or blamed?

Dr. Hinduja: Let your child know that you are there for them and that they are not to blame. Listen to what they have to say about what happened. They may simply want to be heard and for their voice to be validated. People who experience cyberbullying often wish for it to go away quickly and quietly – and don’t want the problem to blow up into a huge deal. Brainstorm with your child options for getting help and how you can support them in doing so. 

Remind them that they do have some control over their online experiences and tell them to set up protections within their devices and on their accounts to block/mute others that are more hurtful than helpful in their lives. Every major social media app and online multiplayer game has that functionality built in.

Also, I would encourage them to report (to the platform/game) any individuals who are using those technologies to mistreat, embarrass or threaten others. Such behaviour is a violation of the site or app’s Terms of Service, and the companies have the authority to delete content or disable accounts of those who fail to follow the rules. We keep a list of contact information for these companies available at cyberbullying.org/report. Send them as much information as possible, such as screenshots, screen recordings, user account information, and specific locations where the offending content appears.

What should parents not do, even if their instinct is to step in immediately?

Dr. Hinduja: Parents should try not to freak out. Remain calm and emotionally in control if your child’s school lets you know about a situation, or your child has found the courage to come to you and open up. Carefully and thoroughly learn as much as possible about what happened. Validate your child’s experience and ask them what they would like to see happen to move forward. A parent might not fully follow their child’s wishes, but ideally, they work together on mutually agreeable next steps.

When should I reach out to a mental health expert for support?

Dr. Hinduja: If your child is struggling emotionally, psychologically or physiologically and the impacts do not fade away within a day or two, reach out to a mental health professional or your family doctor. Any behaviour – whether mild, moderate or severe – can cause significant psychological consequences depending on the person, context and an absence of an appropriate and supportive response.

Note on the terms "bully" and "victim": When talking to your child about these topics, UNICEF encourages the use of non-blaming language. Calling a child a “bully” or a “victim” can make them feel stuck in that role. Using language that focuses on the specific behaviour and its impact can make it easier to find ways to support your child and help change the situation.